男生戀愛必備:女生爲什麼總是不爽
If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t seriously thought about killing the motherfucker, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for 45 minutes straight, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll they ass up in, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t practiced your alibi in front of the mirror… you ain’t been in love. And the only thing that stopped you from killing this motherfucker was an episode of CSI.
在座的只要有真正愛過的，都可以幫我做見證！假如你沒有考慮過要殺人，你就稱不上愛過。假如你沒有認真想過要殺了那個混帳，你就沒真正愛過。假如你沒有手裏拿着一罐老鼠藥，然後盯着罐子看四十五分鐘，你就沒真正愛過。假如你沒有去買過鏟子，布袋還有地毯來毀屍滅跡，你就沒真正愛過。假如你沒有在鏡子前練習你不在場證明，你就沒真正愛過。而唯一阻止你動手的原因,是你爲你看了CSI犯罪現場。
See, relationships are hard. But in order for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page. Both people have to have the same focus…and the focus is all about her，is all about her! Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say,” Fuck you. Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans, fuck everything you thought this life was gonna bring you. Now let’s go out there and try and make this bitch happy.”
沒錯，男女交往是個難題，如果一段感情要成功男女雙方必須有共識，雙方焦點要一致。大家都知道那個共識是什麼，焦點是什麼。 感情要成功，雙方焦點就要相同。那麼焦點是什麼? 那個焦點就是女生！焦點都得在她身上！女生老早就知道這一點了，她們可是在等你跟進呢！男士們，你們一早醒來，應該對着鏡中的自己說"去你的！去你的希望，去你的夢想，去你的計劃。跟你對人生的所有期望都說再見吧！現在，你只要想辦法取悅那個女生就夠了！”
Yes. It’s all about her, fellas. Say yes to everything. Everything. Everything you can afford, say yes to. Just say yes. Before she even gets it out of her fucking mouth. “Honey, can…” Yes. “Honey, I…” Yes. Just get a stamp. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
沒錯！所有焦點都在她身上。面對一切，你都得說好，一切，只要你付得起就說“好“。說“好“就對了，根本不用等她說完。“親愛的，我想...”“好““親愛的，我能...”“好”“親愛的，那個...”“好”……乾脆去弄個印章，好！好！好！好！好！好！好！好！
Another thing, fellas – don’t argue. You cannot win. You cannot beat a woman in an argument, it’s impossible. You will not win, cos men… we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cos we have a need to make sense.
另一件事，夥計們，別跟她吵架。你沒有勝算。你和女生吵架是吵不贏的，這是完全不可能的！你贏不了的，因爲男生對於吵架有先天障礙。因爲我們必須講道理！
Women ain’t gonna let a little thing like sense fuck up they argument. Cos she not in it for sense, she’s in it for distance and irritation. “How long can I talk before this motherfucker snaps?” They want you to shake the shit out of them till you hear the cops coming. “Motherfucker, I’m serious!”“Oh, shit, let me get the fuck outta here.” But here’s one thing nobody tells you. You can’t make a woman happy. It’s impossible. I’ve never met a happy woman in my life. Women are always complaining about something. Women like to complain, women save up shit to complain about. “He don’t even know I know but I’m gonna get his ass on that shit next month.”
女生吵架不會在乎“道理“這種小東西。因爲她吵架不是爲了“道理”，女生吵架是爲了和你保持距離和煩死你。“我要嘮叨多久，他纔會發飆？”她想逼你動粗，一直到警察來爲止。“混帳，我是說真的！”……沒錯，就像我所說的，你要竭盡所能去取悅她，竭盡所能哦！ 但有一件事你一定不知道，你無法讓女人開心！這是完全不可能的，我這輩子還沒看見女人開心。她們永遠有東西好抱怨，她們還能累積事情，留到以後抱怨。“他還不知道我知道，我下個月再找他算賬”。
No matter what you do, she’ll be mad. You can fuck a woman with a diamond dick and make her come ten times, she’ll still complain. “Why’d you make me come so hard? This diamond dick is cloudy. Why didn’t you go to Tiffany’s? You’re so fucking cheap.”No matter what you do, your woman is mad at you. If you work all the time, “Why you workall the time? You ain’t never home. You always leavin’ me. I hate this shit.” If you home all the time, “Why you all up under me? Let me get some fucking room to breathe. Damn, stop sweatin’ me. I hate this shit.” If you make more money than her. “Fuck you. I wanna make decisions too. You ain’t my fucking daddy, I don’t need you to take care of me. I hate this shit.” If she makes more money than you,”You broke motherfucker. You never have no fucking this shit. I don’t wanna make all these decisions. I need to be taken care of. I hate this shit. I can’t take it.”
她們超愛抱怨的，她們超愛的。無論你怎麼樣，她都能不爽。無論怎麼樣，你的女人都能不爽你！假如你花太多時間工作，“你爲什麼每次都在工作？你都不在家，你都棄我於不顧，我受夠了！”假如你每次都待在家，“你幹嘛一直黏着我，讓我有點自己的空間！不要一直煩我，我受夠了！”假如你收入比她高，“去你的，我也想自己做決定，你又不是我爸，我不需要你來照顧我，我受夠了！”假如她收入比你高，“你這個王八窮光蛋，你連一丁點錢都沒有，去你的，我不想每次都是自己做決定，我也想被呵護阿，我受夠了，我受不了了！”
And the number one reason your woman’s always mad, fellas, the number one reason your woman is pissed the fuck off…cos you ain’t her first choice. Fellas, you ever catch your woman just looking at you but not saying nothing? In her mind, she’s thinking, “How did I end up with this ugly motherfucker? Oh, Lord, this motherfucker’s ugly and stupid. I had a good man and I blew it. Damn, Lord, kill my man. Kill him, please. Kill him while I still look good enough to get something new. Please kill this motherfucker now. Strike him! Strike him! If you out there, Lord, strike this motherfucker dead.”
而女生會生氣的首要原因，男士們。女生會怎麼不爽的主要原因，因爲她原本想要的不是你！男士們，你有沒有碰過自己的女人盯着你看，但卻一言不發。“我怎麼會落得跟這個醜八怪在一起？老天爺，這傢伙又醜又笨，我之前有過好對象，但我卻搞砸了。拜託您殺了他吧，趁我年輕貌美可以找新男人，殺了他吧！請您殺了這混蛋，快，劈死他，劈死他！假如您存在的話，快劈死這混帳東西吧！”
