戀愛關係中最致命的10句話
When you're married or in a long-term relationship, some things are better left unsaid.
結婚以後，或者處在長期的戀愛關係中的時候，有一些話還是不說爲好。
Below, marriage therapists and other experts share 10 phrases and statements to strike from your vocabulary now.
下面，婚姻諮詢師和其他專家給我們分享了要從我們的語庫中劃掉的10個短語和句子。
1. “You never do the dishes. You always just leave them sitting there.”
“你從來都不洗碗，總是把它們扔在那就不管了。”
The dishes are a placeholder for pretty much anything here. Whatever the issue, using accusatory blanket terms like “never” and “always” tends to end the same way every time: with you and your boo engaged in an overblown argument. Plus, there's a good chance your generalization is wrong, said Samantha Rodman, a psychologist in Takoma Park, Maryland.
來自馬裏蘭州塔科馬帕克的心理學家薩曼莎·羅德曼說，這裏的碗碟可以用任何事物代替。無論是什麼問題，只要用到“從來不”、“總是”等充滿指責意味的概括性字眼，每次都會導致同樣的結果：你和伴侶大吵一架。而且，你的概括很有可能是錯誤的。
“Nothing is black and white so telling a partner that she's never on time or he's always selfish can't be right,” she told The Huffington Post. “These types of statements only lead to a prosecutor-defendant dynamic, which is not what you want in your marriage.”
她對《赫芬頓郵報》說：“沒有什麼事是非黑即白的，所以對伴侶說她從來沒有準時過或他總是很自私，並不好。這些話只會導致你們不斷來回指責和辯解，這並不是你在婚姻裏想要的。”
2. “You sound exactly like your mother.”
“你和你媽說話一模一樣。”
When arguing, stick to the issue at hand and keep the focus on the two of you. Introducing nasty comparisons to your in-laws is unfair and ultimately a diversion from your problems, said Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill, a marriage and family therapist and the author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage.
婚姻與家庭諮詢師、《幸福婚姻指南》的作者莎倫·吉爾克里斯特·奧尼爾說，吵架的時候，要專注於眼前問題，把焦點放在你們兩個人身上。把對方父母牽扯進來進行比較的做法非常可惡，不公平，最終也偏離了你們本身的問題。
“Mentioning parents can easily become mean-spirited attacks that interfere with the couple's ability to address the underlying issues,” she told HuffPost.
她對《赫芬頓郵報》說：“提及父母就很有可能變成刻薄的攻擊，影響雙方解決眼前問題的能力。”
3. “You think you're better than everyone else!”
“你是不是覺得自己很了不起！”
Never put words in your partner's mouth or in this case, thoughts in their head. There's no way of knowing what someone is feeling or thinking, so keep the assumptions to yourself, said Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist in Little Rock, Arkansas.
來自阿肯色州小巖城的婚姻與家庭諮詢師貝基·惠茨通說，永遠不要對伴侶說這句話，或者，即使這樣說了，也不要讓他們認爲你真這麼想。瞭解他人的情緒或想法是不可能的，所以這樣的假設留給你自己就好。
“These statements are aggravating because your spouse knows that what you're accusing them of is not true,” she said. “What you're saying suggests you don't think very highly of your S.O. It's a double dose of pain in one sentence.”
她說：“這樣的話容易激化矛盾，因爲對方認爲你的指責不實。並且，你說的話表明你對對方的評價不高。所以，這句話包含了雙重傷害。”
4. “Do I look like I've put on weight?”
“我是不是胖了？”
“What you really mean by asking this is, 'I know I've put on weight. I'm unhappy about how I look and I need you to say that you're OK with my current state.'” she said. “These types of questions are all about side-stepping personal responsibility, plus they force your partner into an enabling role,” said Robyn Wahlgast, a dating and relationship coach for women.
“你問這句話的真正意思是'我知道我體重增加了，我不滿意我的樣子，我需要你說你對我的現狀很滿意'。回答這些問題都不是必要的個人責任，而且這種問題相當於在逼迫伴侶去發揮激勵你的作用，”女性約會和戀愛輔導師蘿賓·沃爾葛斯特如是說。
5. “Have you put on a few pounds?”
“你是不是胖了？”
Blunt, negative remarks to your spouse about his or her appearance are also out of line.
直白、消極地評論配偶的外貌也越過了紅線。
“Unconstructive criticism of physical appearance is as bad as it gets,” Whetstone said. “It's painful because you're suggesting that your partner isn't good enough or that they're less than or defective.”
“毫無助益地批評外貌，要多糟有多糟，”惠茨通說。“這樣很傷人，因爲你在暗示你的伴侶不夠好、差那麼一點、有缺陷。”
6. “You're a horrible parent, breadwinner, lover...”
“你是個糟糕的家長/當家的/愛人……”
Put-downs centered around your spouse's family or occupational roles are particularly cruel, said M. Gary Neuman, a psychotherapist based in Miami Beach, Florida.
貶低你配偶的家庭或職業角色非常殘忍，弗羅裏達邁阿密灘市心理治療師M·加里·諾依曼說。
“Negative statements about our self-identities are devastating,” he said. “These roles are so important and tender. When they're questioned, we feel completely torn down. It becomes hard to forget statements like this.”
他說：“消極評價個人身份的結果是毀滅性的。我們的角色重要又脆弱，它們一旦被質疑，我們就感覺完全崩潰了。我們也很難忘掉這樣的話。”
7. “Ugh, I hate when you do that.” (Said in front of friends or family.)
（當着朋友或家人的面說）“呃，我討厭你那麼做。”
Putting your spouse down in front of others is a huge no-no in a relationship, said Whetstone.
惠茨通說，當着他人的面貶低配偶是婚姻與戀愛關係中萬萬不可做的事。
“In this example, you are gathering people against your spouse — and what is worse than that? It is hard to recover from such a boundary violation,” she said. “It causes resentment and a lack of trust.”
她說：“在這種情況中，你在召集大家反對你的配偶——比這更糟的是，你很難求得對方原諒這樣越界的事，對方會爲此怨恨，不再信任你。”
8. “I barely know him — he's just someone I work with.”
“我不怎麼了解他——他就是和我一起工作的人而已。”
It's almost inevitable that you or your partner will develop a small, innocent crush on someone at some point during your marriage. If that happens, be upfront about it. Don't try to sweep it under the rug with a statement that minimizes your feelings, said Wahlgast.
沃爾葛斯特說，在你們的婚姻關係中，不可避免地，伴侶或你在某個時刻會對其他人產生一種輕微的、單純的好感。如果這樣的事真的發生，就要直面問題。不要輕描淡寫地一說，掩飾你的感情。
“The best way to neutralize the potential destructiveness of your crush is to briefly and simply acknowledge it to your spouse,” she said. “Try saying to your husband, 'I know it sounds ridiculous, but I have a bit of a crush on that new consultant. He's so funny — his sense of humor reminds me of yours.'”
“你對別人的好感對你們的關係有潛在的毀滅性危險，化解這一危險的最好方式就是向你的配偶簡明扼要地承認事實。”她說，“試着對你丈夫說'我知道這聽起來很荒唐，但我對那個新來的顧問有點兒好感。他很風趣，他的幽默感讓我想到了你。'”
Though it may be an uncomfortable subject to broach, ultimately, Wahlgast said being transparent about your feelings “will create more openness with your partner. You'll each feel more comfortable bringing up other taboo subjects in a kind and respectful way.”
儘管這個問題可能不好開口，但沃爾葛斯特說，坦白你的情感最終“會讓你和你的伴侶更加坦誠相待。你們也會以友好、互相尊重的方式提出其他禁忌話題，雙方都會感到更舒服。”
9. “You shouldn't feel that way.”
“你不該那麼想。”
There's nothing more belittling or condescending than telling your spouse what he should or shouldn't be feeling in any given situation, Rodman said.
羅德曼說，沒有什麼比告訴你的配偶他或她在某種情況下應該或不應該怎麼想更居高臨下、更貶低人了。
“There is no right or wrong way for someone to feel,” she said. “Feelings are what they are; try to understand your partner and be curious about his experience rather than dismissing what you don't understand.”
她說：“一個人怎麼想沒有對錯，感覺就是感覺，不可捉摸；要試着去理解你的伴侶，問下他怎麼得來這樣的體驗，而不是否認你不理解的事”。
10. “Don't wait up for me.”
“不用等我了。”
This seemingly innocent remark suggests you're not going to bed at the same time, a habit that can be damaging to your relationship, said Wahlgast.
沃爾葛斯特說，這個看起來沒什麼問題的言論表明你們不打算在同一時間睡覺，這個習慣會破壞你們的關係。
“You should view shared bedtime as a way to strengthen your connection with your partner — it's a powerful form of physical intimacy, with or without sex,” she said. “Saying OK to separate bedtimes enables behaviors that destroy intimacy, such as solitary porn-watching and flirty messaging with friends or co-workers.”
“你應該把相同的睡覺時間視作與伴侶加強關係的一種方式——對維持肌膚親密非常有效，與性無關，”她說。“同意有不同的睡覺時間，容易產生破壞親密關係的行爲，比如獨自看色情片，或與朋友、同事發曖昧短信。”
