成人分離焦慮症:說聲再見不容易大綱

Last week, when his wife left home for a two-week cruise with her best friend, Robert Sollars stocked up on hamburger meat and peanut butter, then settled into a weekend of football on cable TV. And he cried.

上個月，羅伯特•索拉斯（Robert Sollars）的妻子和她最好的朋友出去參加爲期兩週的遊艇遊。索拉斯於是買了一堆漢堡肉和花生醬，整個週末都泡在電視前面看橄欖球賽。而且他還哭了。

Mr. Sollars, 51 years old, who owns a workplace-security consulting firm in Mesa, Ariz., hates being away from his wife even when she is just going to work, as an intensive-care nurse on the night shift at a local hospital. When she is away for a longer stretch, Mr. Sollars feels nauseated and finds it hard to concentrate.

51歲的索拉斯在亞利桑那州梅薩（Mesa）擁有一家工作場所安全諮詢公司，他妻子是當地一家醫院的重症監護護士。索拉斯痛恨離開妻子──即使她只是去醫院上夜班。當她長時間離開時，索拉斯會感覺噁心，而且很難集中注意力。

As his wife packed for vacation, he hovered anxiously. She eventually snapped, and they argued for hours, he says. That night, after she'd gone to the airport, Mr. Sollars couldn't sleep. Among his thoughts: She will have a car accident. She will get sick or hurt. She will find someone else. 'I firmly believe that my worry is based in fantasy land,' Mr. Sollars says. 'But I am still deathly afraid of losing the woman I love.'

當他妻子打包準備去度假時，他坐立不安。他說，她最終生氣了，兩人吵了幾小時。那晚，當她去機場後，索拉斯無法入睡。他心裏想着：她會遇到車禍。她會生病或受傷。她會有外遇。索拉斯說，“我堅信，我的擔心完全是無中生有。但我仍然非常擔心失去我愛的女人。”

To most people, 'separation anxiety' is what young children feel while crying on the first day of preschool. But adults also can experience it when they are separated from the people who matter most to them. They may be unable to contain their worry and end up pushing away the very person they need so desperately.

對多數人來說，“分離焦慮”是小孩子在第一天上幼兒園哭哭啼啼時的感受。但成年人與他們最在乎的人分離時，也可能體會到這種焦慮。他們可能無法抑制自己的擔憂，最終導致他們如此亟需的那個人遠離他們。

You'd think pining for someone would be rare at a time when everyone is hyperconnected. But all this effortless connectivity has spoiled us. We expect to be able to reach everyone immediately, and when we can't, we're losing the ability to cope.

阿爾瓦雷斯（右）與她的兩個女兒在得克薩斯州奧斯汀的寄宿學校。你會認爲，在如今這個每個人都彼此“超連通”的時代，應該沒什麼人會如此黏着某個人了。但這種毫不費力的連通性已經把我們慣壞了。我們希望能立即聯繫上每個人，當我們不能做到這一點時，就會不知所措。

Researchers at Haverford College, in Pennsylvania, found people who missed their partners when apart from them were more committed to the relationship, worked harder to take care of it and avoided damaging behavior such as cheating. 'Missing prompts you to maintain your social connection,' says Benjamin Le, associate professor of psychology at Haverford and lead author of the study, published last year in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

賓夕法尼亞州哈弗福德學院（Haverford College）的研究人員發現，與伴侶分離時想念伴侶的人對雙方的關係更投入，更努力地呵護這種關係並避免出現欺騙等破壞行爲。該研究的論文去年發表於《社會與個人關係》（Journal of Social and Personal Relationships）雜誌。論文主要作者、哈弗福德學院的心理學副教授本傑明•勒（Benjamin Le）說，“想念促使你去努力維護你的社會關係。”

The way we cope with separation is determined by something psychologists call our attachment system. Scientists believe the attachment system is an evolutionary process that humans developed to survive. Early hunter-gatherers learned to work together, and children perished without the care and protection of an adult. Although it's partly genetic, much of our lifelong 'attachment style' is determined by how as young children we learned to relate to our parents.

我們應對分離的方式是由心理學家所稱的“依戀系統”決定的。科學家們認爲，依戀系統是人類爲了生存而進化出來的。早期的採獵者學會合作，而兒童在沒有成年人的照顧和保護時會死去。儘管這部分是遺傳，但我們的終身“依戀模式”大多是由我們小時與父母的關係決定的。

There are three attachment-style types: secure, anxious or avoidant, according to Hal Shorey, a psychologist and assistant professor for the Institute for Graduate Clinical Psychology at Widener University, in Chester, Pa. Secure people, roughly 55% of the population, typically are warm, loving and comfortable with intimacy. They were raised, most likely, by a consistently caring and responsive mother or parental figure. The other 45% has a sometimes problematic attachment style, meaning they are anxious, avoidant or a combination, Dr. Shorey says.

賓夕法尼亞州切斯特（Chester）威得恩大學（Widener University）臨牀心理研究生院（Institute for Graduate Clinical Psychology）的心理學家、助理教授哈爾•肖裏（Hal Shorey）稱，有三種依戀模式：安全型、焦慮型和逃避型。約55%的人屬於安全型，他們通常待人親切，有愛心，適應親密接觸。他們很可能是由對他們始終關愛備至的母親或類似於父母的角色撫養長大的。肖裏博士說，其他45%的人的依戀模式有時會有問題，這意味着他們屬於焦慮型、逃避型或兩種類型的結合。

Anxious people who worry about whether their partner loves them often had parents who were inconsistently nurturing. Avoidant people, whom psychologists also call 'dismissive,' try to minimize closeness and often had parents who didn't tolerate neediness or insecurities.

焦慮型的人擔心他們的伴侶是否愛他們，這種人的父母通常對他們疏於照顧。逃避型的人──心理學家也稱他們爲“拒絕型”──則儘量減少跟他人的親密接觸，他們的父母通常無法忍受需要感和不安全感。

When we are scanning for signs of danger in a relationship such as abandonment our brain often can't distinguish between a real or imagined risk, Dr. Shorey says. The brain structure that picks up on threats, the amygdala, triggers the release of adrenaline faster than the thinking part of the brain, the cortex, can analyze the threat.

肖裏博士說，當我們搜尋一段關係中的危險信號──例如遺棄──時，我們的大腦經常無法區分真正的風險和想象的風險。杏仁核（捕捉威脅的大腦結構）能比大腦皮層（大腦中分析威脅的思考部分）更快地觸發腎上腺素的釋放。

The way we learn to respond to the threat of abandonment as young children actually changes the wiring of our brains, Dr. Shorey says. 'This is an automatic response that will trigger even if you know you should not feel this way.'

肖裏博士說，我們小時學會應對遺棄威脅的方式切實地改變了我們的大腦回路。“這是一種下意識的自發反應，即使在你知道不該如此感覺時仍會觸發這種反應。”

When he was a child, Mr. Sollars says, his mother left him to be raised by his grandmother, who died when he was 16. 'I started being a worrier then,' Mr. Sollars says. His separation anxiety worsened a few years ago. He has diabetes and lost his eyesight; his wife had knee surgery and a procedure to correct a throat stricture. Now, Mr. Sollars is troubled by thoughts of becoming a burden to her. To distract himself while she is away, he plans to work on a book he is writing about preventing workplace violence.

索拉斯說，當他還是個孩子時，他母親就把他交給祖母撫養，而祖母在他16歲時去世了。索拉斯說，“然後我開始成爲一個愛焦慮的人。”他的分離焦慮症在幾年前進一步惡化。他有糖尿病，視力減退；他妻子做過膝蓋手術，還動過糾正喉部狹窄的手術。現在，索拉斯正被自己成爲妻子負擔這個想法所困擾。爲了在她出門時分散自己的注意力，他計劃寫一本書，內容是關於防止工作場所暴力的。

Rosita Alvarez, a 45-year-old artist in Spicewood, Texas, grew up as a so-called Air Force brat, moving with her family every two years. She has vivid childhood memories of writing letters to old friends and never hearing back. 'I learned at 9 that you can lose people you love,' she says. She was 36 and married for 10 years with four children younger than 10, when her husband died of a heart attack.

羅西塔•阿爾瓦雷斯（Rosita Alvarez）今年45歲，是一名藝術家，家住得克薩斯州斯派斯伍德（Spicewood）。她小時候是個所謂的“空軍小孩”，每兩年跟着家人搬家一次。她清晰地記得小時寫信給老朋友，但從來沒有迴音。她說，“我在九歲時知道，你會失去你所愛的人。”當她36歲，結婚滿10年時，她丈夫死於心臟病，當時她的四個孩子都還不滿10歲。

She keeps voice messages from each of her children on her cellphone. 'I want to have their voice with me as long as I can, in case they die,' she says. She keeps her phone with her, day and night. When it rings, she often imagines the worst.

她的手機上存着每個孩子的語音留言。她說，“我想盡可能長地把他們的聲音帶在身邊，萬一他們死了呢。”她日夜隨身帶着手機。當它響起時，她總會想到最壞的情況。

A few weeks ago, her 14-year-old daughter went to boarding school. Ms. Alvarez says the anxiety she feels now is like 'a hand on the back of my body, gripping my spine.' She often worries that her daughter will simply grow distant. 'I am afraid that because she is removed from me physically, she will remove herself emotionally,' Ms. Alvarez says.

幾周前，她14歲的女兒去上寄宿學校。阿爾瓦雷斯說，她現在感到的焦慮就像“一隻從我背後緊緊扼住我的脊柱的手”。她經常擔心女兒變得與她疏遠。她說，“我擔心這個，是因爲她離開了我身邊，我怕她在感情上也會離我而去。”

When she gets stuck in a worry loop, Ms. Alvarez makes herself stop and notice her surroundings the couch, the carpet, the breakfast dishes in the sink and tells herself that all is well. 'I remind myself that my daughter and I have a loving connection, she is in a safe environment and I can control my thoughts and choose to imagine her happy,' she says. 'This breaks the spell.'

在家裏，阿爾瓦雷斯靠畫畫來減輕自己的焦慮。當阿爾瓦雷斯陷入焦慮循環時，她會讓自己停下來，注意自己的周圍──沙發、地毯、水池裏的早餐碟──並告訴自己一切都好。她說，“我提醒自己，我和我的女兒感情很深，她在一個安全的環境裏，我能控制自己的思緒並讓自己想象她很快樂。這打破了魔咒。”

Ms. Alvarez also has anxiety when parting from her boyfriend, who lives an hour away. The two have developed a 'separation ritual' for Sunday evenings, after a weekend spent together. First, they agree in advance on the time he will leave. For their last hour or so together, they talk and relax. When it's time, they go outside together. Ms. Alvarez gives him a hug but doesn't watch him get in the car. Instead, she goes immediately back in the house with her paintings. 'I choose where I place my attention,' she says.

阿爾瓦雷斯的男友住在離她家一小時路程的地方，她與他分開時也會焦慮。經過摸索，他們兩人共度週末後，會在週日晚上舉行一個“分離儀式”。首先，他們提前商量好他離開的時間。在倆人待在一起的最後一小時裏，他們會聊天並放鬆身心。到時間時，他們會一起出去。阿爾瓦雷斯給他一個擁抱，但不會看着他上車。相反，她會立即回到屋裏去，屋裏有很多她的畫作。她說，“我會選好一個集中注意力的地方。”